Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig van Beethoven, Frédéric Chopin, Antonín Dvořák, Johannes Brahms, Robert Schumann, Claude Debussy, Gija Kancheli, Ástor Piazzolla – and, of course, this dreadful Aleksey Igudesman: miserable underachievers, all of them!

John Malkovich takes a sip from his cup, enjoys a piece of apple strudel - and disapproves. Slipping into the role of music critic supreme, he pours scorn on the horrible music the composers above have inflicted on the world. With a sardonic smile, righteous anger, and the inexhaustible fervour of the know-it-all, he recites excerpts from the most exquisite eviscerations that composers have ever received, skewered by the most spiteful pens in the guild.

Of course, such nagging and grumbling, ranting and scathing can only take place in a coffee house. And the music in question is also performed. What more could one ask for?